Why Setting a Boundary Can Feel Like You're Doing Something Wrong

Ever said "yes" when you really wanted to say no? Or, you finally actually set a boundary and felt guilty? Then you are left wondering if you are a selfish person or if you did something wrong?

For many people, setting a boundary can feel uncomfortable, even if you know that the boundary is reasonable.

Many of us grew up in housholds where boundaries were not learned. It's possible that you learned that being a "good" person meant being agreeable, helpful or easygoing. Maybe conflict was something that was to be avoided at all costs! You might have even become attuned to other people's emotions and learned to adjust yourself in response, instead of learning about your own needs. So, when you begin to set a boundary, it can feel uncomfortable because you may be going against a pattern you learned over time.

Feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean you have done something wrong.

Sometimes, guilt can mean you are doing something out of your comfort zone. Setting a boundary doesn't mean you are trying to punish someone or reject them, rather its a way you can communicate what your limits are. You can care about someone and still say no. You can understand that someone is dissapointed without taking responsibility for fixing their feelings. Someone being dissapointed by your boundary doesn't necessarily mean you boundary is wrong. You can still be kind implementing them!!

One tip for setting boundaries when it feels uncomfortable is to create some space. For instance you might say something like, "Let me think about that and I will get back to you". Sometimes, this pause can give you a moment to check in with your true intention behind saying "yes".

Be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries can feel so uncomfortable when you start! That is so normal.

If you are working through people-pleasing, guilt or difficulty expressing your needs, you are welcome to reach out for a no pressure 15 minute consultation to see if I might be the right fit for you.

You got this!

Tara Carbone MA, CCC